I Don't Miss The Ridiculous Gender Norms Of Dating

We had walked from our dorm to a Christmas tree lighting in downtown DC.

There were 10 of us. We were freshmen at George Washington University, which had a fascinating and eclectic student body. I hadn’t gone to this event with romantic ambitions. It was friends, mostly from a dorm, and there was a clean mix of guys and girls.

It snowed as we walked through the city, with red and green decorations hanging over every building. Corny, beloved Christmas songs droned in and out of earshot as we walked. We arrived at the downtown park, which had a matte of snow that was glowing against the night sky and streetlights. We’d had a brief snowball fight at the park before gathering with other crowds for the big tree lighting.

There was a fellow freshman, Megan. She was a beautiful brunette, a dance major in the theater program. She had beautiful eyes that were accented by the dark beanie she was wearing.

We stood amongst other crowds in the snow as we waited for the towering Christmas tree to be lit.

She was standing five feet in front of me, shoulder to shoulder with a female friend. Her back was to me as we watched and talked amongst each other.

Out of nowhere, and without context, she turned around, stepped right up to me — looked me in the eyes, leaned in, and softly rubbed the tip of her nose side to side on the chest of my coat. Then looked up at close range, held my eyes for a second, lifted a smile, and turned around and went back to stand by her friend.

This, of course, left me standing there wondering, “Wait — what was that?”

I was new to dating and my radar wasn’t great. But it was a pretty clear shot across the bow, albeit a slightly unusual one. That night ended without incident.

In the weeks that followed, she sent me huge smiles when passing her in the dorm hallways, and I eventually worked up the courage to ask her out and we dated for some time.

This is a perfect and nostalgic example of a woman sending me a clear and unambiguous signal of interest. I loved it. I cherish that memory.

If only communication was always like this, I would have no problem with men being the primary initiators. Unfortunately, I also have so many examples (of my own and of guy friends) where we are told:

“You should have known!”

“I had the biggest crush on you.”

“You know I liked you, right?

“I tried flirting with you — but you didn’t seem interested.”

We always seem to find out long after the fact. And when we do, the other person now lives thousands of miles away or she’s now spoken for, and pleased to inform you of her former interest.

This isn’t a “women problem” either. This is a “we” problem and it largely exists as a society-driven stigma.

The good and bad of this system

Yes, there is something nice and gentlemanly about taking the initiative. I like being chivalrous, holding the door, and feeling like a protector. There’s an appeal to that romanticism. However, it feels like part of a predictable expectations, which assumes men should always lead, plan and pursue, while women can only wait, follow or respond. Doesn't that feel a bit limited and archaic? It reinforces this tired idea that men must be dominant providers, always in control, while women have to be passive or demure.

e traditional dating norms can feel limiting. They reinforce the idea that men must be dominant providers, always confident and in control, while women are expected to be passive, demure, and nurturing.

I’m settled down now happily with a great partner and have had time to reflect on my life. As I look back now, I can see so many scenes of me asking women out, being rejected, or accepted. I remember the highs and lows of it all vividly.

What strikes me is that I’ve never been asked on a date before. Not even once. I’m sure there are women reading this now who are nodding their head in defiance, eager to announce they asked their now-husband out.

And I love that. I think that’s how it should go. One person, regardless of gender, feels interested in someone. They ask that someone out without weird assumptions or value judgements being passed in either direction.

We (men) get so bent out of shape about women playing games with us, and breadcrumbing their interest, and then — when they ask us out in clear terms, it somehow becomes a weird thing for so many of us.

Guys are left to interpret body language, tone of voice, proximity, and smoke signals.

“Wait, she just looked in my general direction. What does this mean?”

I don’t write about dating as much these days, but back when I did, I sent a poll to users for feedback on this topic and there was a fascinating divide between men and women.

Men, overwhelmingly, want women to take more initiative and be the ones to ask.

While a majority of women didn’t want to. There was a feeling of “liking the idea” but not being fond of it in practice because of its ramifications.

One concern was of men exploiting the situation

One woman said, “Are you kidding? He’d just see that as a path to get in my pants and use me.”

Another woman seconded that same concern. The most common complaint was that taking the initiative would create the perception of low value.

It stems from the old (but alive) idea that women are “to be wanted” and men are “to want”. It’s even reinforced through many traditions.

For example, many of you have been to a Sadie Hawkins dance back in high school. For the uninitiated, it is a formal dance where women ask the men to be their date.

It’s a cute and fun idea. I’d have loved attending one. But the fact that we have to designate a special dance for women to ask says much about our cultural norms.

The takeaway

So much of our wellbeing and health is anchored in having quality partnerships. It impacts our our longevity, income, and nearly every major marker of satisfaction. Choosing poorly can be immeasurably detrimental. So wouldn't we all want to see as many options as possible? And avoid the endless missed connections that could have been?

Let’s get rid of this smoke signal system that forces women to mask interest and men to walk the plank on partial information. Resist the urge to be judgemental of a woman who is forward.

I’ve observed a forwardness in gay and lesbian dating — as in an honest approach where they aren’t bound by these male-female standard differentials.

My hope is that people get away from a gendered style of dating where we draw so many conclusions about each other based on irritating customs. Those assumptions and experiences in dating, just reinforce how we see the world and are hard to unravel once set.

I’d love for a woman to be able to come up to a man and say, “We should hang out sometime.” Without it meaning a bunch of things that it doesn’t.