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6 days ago
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In honour of the 97th Oscars happening this weekend, let's throw it back to a movie recommendation that I've been hassled, time and time again, for not watching — Titanic.
I've always been curious about how much space was on that door. So, here's every single thought I had while watching it for the very first time, almost three decades after its theatric release:
1. Just saw the three hour and 16-minute run time... Was this a good decision?
2. Oh no. This is going to be sad, they're waving goodbye to the people on the boat with Celine Dion vocalising "My Heart Will Go On".
3. Is that a sepia filter? Why does it look they developed the film in a jar of Red Bull?
4. The icy blue waters of despair have entered the chat.
5. Celine Dion is still singing.
6. James Cameron, I discovered recently, reaaaallly loves deep sea exploring. He literally went down into the depths in a pod for kicks.
7. Wait, a second why is there a documentary? I saw this at the Australian Maritime Museum exhibit. [It is not a documentary]
8. That's a lot of moss on a boat.
9. This guy talking looks like Joel McHale or whoever the Jeff guy from Community was.
10. Octonauts.
11. These guys must've been down here so many times.
12. Hello, quick question, where are the female explorers?
13. This is like the Mars Rover expedition but so much less dust.
14. "Snoop Dogg is on the move"? Da da da da it's the [swear word] D-O-Double-G.
15. Need further information on why the underwater robot's name is Snoop Dogg.
16. Wow, I can't believe just how well preserved that piano is. Or really, just how well preserved anything is.
17. DUDE THE ROBOT HAS HANDS.
18. What is this movie actually about? I thought Leonardo was in this. Okay I need to shut up.
19. Pulling wet, paper-looking stuff out of an old, decaying box seems like a sensory nightmare but these guys seem really into it. So, let's just roll with it.
20. Well that's a bit awkward for "Boss" — there's no diamond in the box. However do you see that picture she's hosing down? I'm pretty sure James Cameron actually drew that or drew a sample sketch of it that was featured at the museum exhibit. How is it actually so well preserved? It was literally in water for forever.
21. The organised chaos in this butter yellow house is gorgeous! The flowers are so beautiful.
22. How beautiful are wrinkled hands working with clay?
23. Grandma was on the Titanic I just feel it. She'll be "goddamned" because how was the paper down there for 84 years, unscathed? OH It's ROSE! (Yes, I've seen spoilers on the internet and that one episode of Rick and Morty)
24. Rose was a baddie. "That woman on the picture was me". She knows she was Kate Winslet.
25. I fear I have too many thoughts and we're not that far in yet.
26. Actresses can and will survive the Titanic sinking and hold their little Pomeranian looking dogs in their coat while being lifted out of a helicopter. Don't underestimate them.
27. Brock the "boss" man and Miss Calvert are going to fall in looooooove.
28. Grandma just hit the "close your eyes and feel" moment from Barbie — feel Leonardo DiCaprio drawing you like one of his French Girls, perhaps?
29. Jewellery and artefacts just looked so much cooler and more expensive back then than they do now.
30. This movie definitely doesn't feel like it was released in 1997. The technology and quality makes it feel like it was made just before the 2020s.
31. THE SEPIA IS back (in flashes). Rose is remembering! She's also a bit of a comedian.
32. This is a cool time jump, what a seamless transition. Without Celine Dion singing, it feels more cheerful and magical rather than melancholy.
34. Kate Winslet the WOMAN THAT YOU ARE. The red hair! The fashion!
35. Holy shit, that's a lot of luggage. Need the packing tips immediately. How many pairs of socks did she bring?
36. Young Leonardo DiCaprio. LET'S FREAKING GOOOOOOOO.
37. Fabrizio, Olaf, Sven?? Someone call Frozen. YOOHOO Big Summer BLOWOUT! They're going to America.
38. This movie is what colour grading dreams are made of but it really makes you think about how much coal they were using. Look at all of that smoke.
39. The American and British accents really are so different in this film. The British sound like they're talking in cursive. Pause a bit between the words, please.
40. I really thought the film would start with them already on the boat, I didn't realise there would be modern day elements to it that saw an expedition taking place. Anything for Cameron's deep sea expeditions.
41. "I'm the king of the world" — he must've felt so free in that moment, standing on the helm of the ship.
42. Rose blowing cigarette smoke in her mum's face was slightly uncalled for. Her fiancé putting it out was totally unnecessary. The judgement on Margaret Brown's face was gorgeous. FYI, Caledon Hockley sucks.
43. Margaret asking "You gonna cut her meat there too, Cal?" and Rose talking about Mr Ismay's preoccupation with size in relation to Freud. Beautiful.
44. The first time Jack sees Rose with a soft sweet background score. He is captivated. Awwwww.
45. Rose is experiencing what most teens experience at 17 — the art of realising and overthinking with a side of existential dread.
46. Oh no, please don't jump overboard. Please. It's not the time for a swim. Step off the railing, NOW.
47. Jack saying, "No, you won't" while Rose stands on the end of the boat has the same energy as someone egging you on with a simple, "The old you would've done it."
48. The chemistry is giggle and feet-kick worthy. Diabolical from the start. Is there a romance trope for starting with banter but not being enemies? You could chalk this one up to a "rich girl, poor guy" vibe.
49. Oh, of course she slipped. There's something about foreshadowing in here somewhere.
50. Thank goodness she spoke up, that would've been so cooked if she didn't. He would've gone to boat jail.
51. That damn diamond is so BIG, the rats from Flushed Away would've loved it.
52. This could be the original Challengers. But there's no tennis and they're on a boat. So...you know just a love triangle hahaha.
53. Yes, Jack you hold onto that rope, king.
54. Deflect, Rose, deflect. Just answer the question queen: "Do you love him?". [Side note: she looks like Belle from Beauty and the Beast.]
55. How did they get all these big hats on this ship? You can't even stack them. What luggage allows for this?
56. "Look here comes that vulgar Brown woman," is a crazy line, if you don't know the context.
57. EJ's beard is pretty full. He would be good as Santa.
58. Margaret Brown has to be the chillest rich person in the world. A real one. She's My Fair Lady-ing Jack and we thank her for her service.
57. A moment for scenes where the lead looks up at the other lead from the bottom of a staircase in admiration.
58. Ruth leave them alone! You marry Hockley, why don't do you?
59. A secret note. It's game time!
60. That little girl, Cora is getting twirled so much she will throw up on her way back to her table.
61. Tap dancing in a call and response way??? IS THIS STEP UP 2: THE STREETS?
62. Rose is such a badass — get her some pointe shoes and a disguise so she can hide from this lurking man.
63. Fiancé dude has anger issues. Where will they get new plates on the boat?
64. It's interesting that Mr Andrews is so proud to have only half the amount of lifeboats for the amount of people.
65. "I have 10 bucks in my pocket and nothing to offer you," would work on a few of you.
66. If there's anything that going to primary school in the 2000s has taught the 20-year-olds of today, it's how to recognise the sound of "My Heart Will Go On" from the first three notes on recorder.
67. Why did I think that the "I'm flying, Jack" scene would be more dramatic? OK, wait I stand corrected, they're kissing. Slay!
68. The hair didn't move when she took out the decorative hair comb.
69. I love how he didn't ask questions. Jack knew what Rose wanted out of her drawing and gave it to her.
70. The deep sea explorers being so locked into the love story is like that TikTok sound saying, "Blah blah blah proper name, place name", while hearts move in slow motion on the screen.
71. Hockley, we need to know where the lashes are from. Is it genetic? Is it mascara?
72. "I don't think I've ever seen such a flat calm." — Maybe, he shouldn't have said that, he manifested the wrong thing.
73. This butler has the same vibe as Anders from Dynasty.
74. You'd better run!
75. What would've happened if one of them fell into one of the coal ovens?
76. This is probably where "the thumb thing" originated.
77. How long were they in the carriage for? They had fun, it appears.
78. Long enough that an iceberg formed, it seems.
79. We're only halfway through the movie...what happens for the rest of it???? I know nothing about the last hour and a half.
80. He probably could've touched that iceberg and gave it a little pat.
81. If Fabrizio dies, that's not cool. OK?
82. Oh my gosh, he got left behind WHAT.
83. Umm...guys. It's not looking good for the people down below. This is where it gets sad isn't it?
84. You tell me where the pile of rats came from, because they sure as heck weren't swimming behind the ship.
85. It was a plot. A scheme. They're evil. How did he not feel that necklace go into his pocket? It looks so heavy.
86. Cora...she's just a girl.
87. They're playing violins and the world is burning outside — priorities, I guess.
88. How can they have people gated in like that? So many will perish :(
89. This valet man may as well be a Bond villain.
90. "Will the boat be seated according to class?" Shush.
91. Very good spitting, Rose!
92. Now, it's turning into a horror movie. Somebody cooked up something sinister here.
93. Jack can hear his beloved calling for him.
94. Hey, no kissing and no stalling. The boat's going down, bro.
95. If rats start running around this corner, we're going to have to shut this whole enterprise down. [I have a phobia]
96. Rose is very Hermione Granger coded.
97. Time for a swim!
98. Hahahaha the practice swings are taking me out. He's literally teaching her how to swing an axe while a boat is sinking.
99. She got it! Movie magic!
100. This is heinous, these poor people are stuck down there.
101. Jack and Rose are people of action. Nothing but respect for our two romantic leads and their pursuit of freedom from different systems.
102. This is absolute mayhem. But of course, Hockley is doing elevator pitches. He is a man of business.
103. The string quartet deserve a raise, a house and free food for life. It's unfortunate that they're going down with the ship...
104. The blatant class divide, even in absolute crisis, is disgusting.
105. Hockley must love her too much (or something) because if Rose frustrates him that much, why does he want to save her so badly? Just two guys, in love with a girl. One with privilege, one without. Challengers...
106. Wow the flare going off behind him as he looks down at her. Cinematic as heck.
107. ROSE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
108. Someone play "If The World Was Ending" by JP Saxe. Hockley's dying inside and now I'm crying. [Cry count: 1]
109. Don't bring guns on the boat. WTF!!!!
110. Karma, hehe, you're so silly.
111. She needs to rip that dress into a shirt or something. There is no way she is still running while wearing that.
112. Young Leo should've been a mermaid. The hair moving in the water is majestic.
113. How many litres of water did they use to film these scenes?
114. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
115. Hockley, you evil, evil man.
116. Everyone's losing their mind. Fair enough.
117. The montage of people surrendering to the sinking ship is both haunting and beautiful.
118. Fabrizio is king.
119. This man going down with his top hat and a brandy is basically saying, "Yes, you can take it with you."
120. The workers doing everything they can to save everyone else but themselves is incredibly selfless.
121. RIP Fabrizio. You should've had more screen time.
122. The inclined walking must be like climbing Mount Everest...
123. NOT THE FINE CHINA?!
124. One last drink for the road, seems very fitting.
125. Where is Hockley and is he done for?
126. It's like an avalanche of people. This is so fucked.
127. If that necklace is still in her pocket, there is no more physics left in the world. That or the pockets are like a Mary Poppins' bag.
128. This is why everyone needs to know how to tread water.
129. The way he talks to her, reassures her and tries to make her laugh, even though he knows he's going to die... [Cry count: 2]
130. THERE'S ROOM ON THERE, MOVE OVER.
131. Oh I just know she left the necklace back at her yellow walled house, in the present day.
132. But you did let go, Rose.
133. Oh there's old mate, Hockley... Sorrows, prayers.
134. Shoutout to the real ones on the boats that came back for them.
135. My housemate just asked if I'd finished the movie yet. I screamed and said no. They laughed at me.
136. She saw the Statue of Liberty on Fabrizio's behalf. She must be riddled with grief.
137. Why did I think Celine Dion would be singing "My Heart Will Go On" in the movie?
138. Oh she definitely has the necklace in her hand. Knew it. Back to Jack it goes.
139. And finally, she got to see the world because of him, even if she had to do it without him. I loved it but it was long...
Now that I've subjected my eyes to that emotional rollercoaster, let's see if this Titanic theory rings true — will I start seeing it everywhere?
You can look at it with your own two eyes too on Disney+.
English (US) ·